Tonight I attended a movie screening of "Free Angela Davis and All Political Prisoners" at Southern Illinois University Carbondale. I recommend the movie as an introductory resource to anyone interested in learning more about this courageous female philosopher. Because I use this blog as an outlet for my expression of personal experiences and because the internet is full of resources about Angela Davis, I will go no further into her philosophy or story. This entry will be about the public discussion that followed the film.
I was among the 40% of people who stuck around for the discussion. I suspect that a good number of attendees were there for a class and had gotten all they needed from the movie. I found the discussion quite engaging and it introduced me to many topics that are new to me and that I hope to explore through some of Davis's writings. However there was one topic raised that I am familiar with and have spent a great deal of time discussing and externalizing. The specific topic is irrelevant but in case anyone is wondering it was about the education system in the US. Someone wanted to know why so many people in their 20s had never heard of Angela Davis. A woman behind me expressed her own frustration at not being taught these histories that are such important lessons and which are crucial to building a nation of independent thinkers. I thought, "Here's my chance to say something, to be a part of this discussion instead of an observer." I raised my hand (as was the accepted form of signaling that you had a contribution to make). The professor turned his gaze to me and was about to give me the floor when a white middle aged man stole the stage beginning his sentence with "If I may interrupt.." The professor allowed it. The man continued to sloppily explain what I had carefully planned to articulate, that the system of standardized testing and the consequences for not meeting state and federal requirements don't allow primary education teachers the freedom to teach much more than what the students are expected to demonstrate on the exams.
At first I was disappointed. I couldn't restate what the man had said, I didn't have much left to offer on the subject. I lowered my hand and the discussion continued. As I sat there replaying the senario in my mind I became enraged that I had been passed up in favor of this man. That my contribution was silenced and made redundant because I had the courtesy to wait to be called on and he had the uninhibited voice of a privileged man.
The irony of this happening in a discussion about freedom, class, and social movement only increased my level of outrage. I left the hall at the close of the discussion and failed to contain sobs of anger and fear before I reached my car. I'm angry at the man who spoke out of turn. I'm angry at the man who facilitated it. I'm angry at myself for submitting to the oppression. And I'm angry at myself for allowing my emotions to run rampant and control me instead of me controlling them. It makes me feel like I deserve the label of the hormonal emotionally unstable woman that men have constructed and that women, like me, submit to.
I fear that I will never have a voice in front of men. I fear that every time I try to have an intellectual conversation with a man, I will have only a part of his attention while the rest of his attention is undressing me and having his way with my ass and tits. I'm afraid that I'll live my whole life without ever communicating a clear message that is heard in sincerity.
